Uncertainty
by kawa-kiree
Summary: Told from Arthur's perspective. It's the one-year anniversary of Will's death and Merlin is grieving. Standing outside his door, Arthur wants more than anything to console him, but who would want comfort from the reason their best friend is dead? Drabble


It's moments like these that Arthur can hate Will.

Will, who gave his life to save Arthur's.

Will, whose death as a sorcerer should have- in theory- only helped to bring about peace and end the suffering that magic causes.

Will, who was Merlin's best friend.

Merlin is sitting in his room, crying. Arthur knows, even when Merlin's trying so hard to stifle his sobs. Arthur can still hear each and every one of them and they _reverberate_ through his mind, breaking past every defense he's ever built against feeling sympathy for sorcerers.

It's been exactly a year since Will died. The changes in Merlin were almost imperceptible; they probably went unnoticed by everyone except Arthur. Maybe Gaius too but, if Gaius has seen how Merlin's smile would fade ever so slightly when he looks at one place too long or how Merlin's laughter isn't quite as light as before- well. He certainly hasn't said anything to Arthur about it.

Arthur wonders for a moment, if Will had let that arrow hit, if he had allowed Arthur to die (like any _sane_ sorcerer would have), would Merlin have wept that way for him?

Arthur knows that they are friends, despite Merlin's attempts to convince him that he's a royal prat with the ego of a, well, thing that has a really big ego, and Arthur's own frequent insults. Arthur's also fairly sure that, between Merlin's lack of deference, returned mocking, and rather worrisome level of bluntness (honestly how is Merlin still alive and kicking?), Merlin's the most genuine friend he's ever had. There's Morgana too, but Arthur's never really classified her as 'friend' as much as 'person who is _probably_ your friend but also might just grow claws and kill you if she's in the mood to.' So Arthur's pretty sure she doesn't count.

But Merlin is… Merlin's always been different. Merlin's somehow able to ignore his title to just see him as Arthur and judge him accordingly. Or more often, become an annoying, nagging voice in his ear, telling him what he should do, or what he shouldn't kill, or what he should tell his father, or who he should save. It's all very irritating in a completely too endearing way, so of course they're friends. If they can infuriate each other so thoroughly and still care about the other, they must be.

But Arthur still has to wonder, if there is a fissure between them, caused by the fact that he _is_ in fact, Arthur Pendragon, Crowned Prince of Camelot. A gap that makes it impossible to ever have the sort of infinite trust and connection that two best friends would have.

Merlin knew Will was a sorcerer. Of course he would know. They were best friends, Merlin couldn't have _not_ known.

Because Merlin and Will had _had_ that connection, they had that complete trust in each other. Will and Merlin were able to be two best friends, without justifications or excuses, without secrets- and Arthur knew that Merlin kept secrets from him- and Arthur wanted that. Arthur wanted that more than could ever be acceptable for Arthur Pendragon, Crowned Prince of Camelot.

And fuck, Arthur _did_ hate Will right now. Because Will- the bloke Merlin had been close enough with to know everything about- could have walked straight into Merlin's room and comforted him or, or talked with him, or just fucking done _something_, without having to wonder if he was allowed to know. Without having to wonder if his attempt to help would just be an intrusion on a deeply intimate moment between his friend and someone far more important than he could be.

And Arthur, frozen outside the door, still listening to Merlin breathe out half-smothered sobs, blinks himself out of his reverie and pulls his hand away from the doorknob in horror. This is something he isn't allowed to witness, he thinks as he staggers back from Merlin's door. This was only Will's and Merlin's.

And with that, he turns and leaves Gaius' workplace.

* * *

><p>Just a little drabble I wrote a couple months ago. I'm pretty sure I wrote this instead of writing an essay but if anyone likes this, I'll consider that to have been a good choice!<p>

I remember being really bummed out after I wrote this because there's a scene in "The Last Dragonlord," where Arthur does try to comfort Merlin and get him to explain what's wrong but Merlin can't/won't tell him. So it's like, in this story, Arthur was afraid Merlin wouldn't open up to him, so he didn't try. And a few months later, when he does try, Merlin can't tell him what's wrong. I don't know, it depresses me a bit.

Anyway, this was beta-ed by the lovelyamazing Kowie, who made this coherent, and we'd both be very excited if you dropped a review!


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